5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Postpartum and New Motherhood
What to expect after having a baby, from a therapist who specializes in postpartum mental health, & a mom who has been there herself.
I’m a therapist who works with moms, particularly around postpartum depression and anxiety, motherhood identity, overwhelm, and the many changes that come with becoming a parent. I’m also a mom to a one-year-old myself.
I see moms say “No one told me” all the time when they talk about their postpartum experience. And honestly, I get it.
There is so much information about pregnancy, birth, and caring for a newborn, but a lot of the realities of postpartum recovery and new motherhood can still feel like a surprise.
So, if I were preparing for postpartum again, knowing what I know now from both my personal and professional experience, these are five things I’d want someone to tell me.
1. Breastfeeding can be really, really hard.
Before I had my daughter, I knew breastfeeding could be challenging. What I didn't fully understand was just how challenging it could be.
Your nipples might crack and bleed. The baby's latch might hurt—sometimes a lot. You might find yourself wondering why something that is supposed to be “natural” feels so difficult.
And maybe breastfeeding will be wonderful for you. It might be something you genuinely love.
But it also might not be.
You might struggle with supply. Your baby might have trouble latching. You might hate pumping. You might breastfeed for a few weeks, a few months, or not at all. There are so many ways this can go, and none of them determine what kind of mother you are.
Yes, breast milk has nutritional benefits. But your baby also needs a mother who is supported and mentally well.
So do what you need to do.
And if you need a little reminder that formula feeding does not doom your child to a life of mediocrity: Michelle Obama was formula-fed.
2. If you decide to wean, do it slowly.
This is one I wish someone had told me.
My daughter decided she was done nursing at eight months. By that point, I was also very, very done with pumping, so when breastfeeding ended, I stopped pumping fairly abruptly.
Not long afterward, I experienced a significant dip in my mood.
I was lucky. I already had a relationship with a psychiatrist who specializes in maternal mental health, someone I'd worked with throughout my pregnancy. Eventually, we realized what was happening and were able to address it.
But I struggled for about a month before I understood that the sudden change in hormones could be contributing to what I was experiencing.
Weaning involves hormonal changes, and some women experience mood changes during the process. That doesn't mean it will happen to you—but it is something worth knowing about.
If you decide to wean, give your body time to adjust. And if you notice a significant change in your mood, anxiety, or overall well-being, don't just assume you need to push through it. Talk to your doctor or mental health provider.
You deserve support through the end of breastfeeding, too.
3. Your postpartum experience is going to be influenced by your baby.
This one can be hard to talk about because we really want to believe that if we prepare enough, do the right things, and have enough support, we'll be able to create the postpartum experience we imagined.
But your baby is a person, and your baby is going to bring their own temperament into the equation.
Some babies are relatively easygoing. Some are colicky. Some don't sleep well. Some have reflux, feeding difficulties, or other challenges. Some simply need a lot from their parents.
And when your baby is having a hard time, postpartum can feel harder.
That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It doesn't mean you're less grateful for your baby. And it doesn't mean you're failing at motherhood.
It means you're caring for a baby who may need more support right now.
If something doesn't seem right, talk to your pediatrician. Ask questions. Find out what might help your baby—and what might make things more manageable for you.
Because supporting your baby and supporting yourself are not competing priorities.
4. Your relationship with your partner will change.
This is probably one of the biggest things I would tell an expecting couple.
Your relationship will change after you have a baby.
There will be beautiful changes, and there will probably be some really hard ones, too.
You may have less time together. Less sleep. Less sex. More logistics. More decisions. More opportunities to misunderstand each other. And suddenly, things that never mattered before—who packed the diaper bag, who made dinner, who got up last night—can feel enormous.
I think it's helpful to shift the goal before the baby arrives.
Instead of trying to make sure the baby doesn't change your relationship or your life, focus on becoming a stronger team so that you can adapt to the changes together.
Learn how to communicate when you're exhausted. Talk about expectations. Figure out how you're going to divide responsibilities. Practice repairing after conflict.
And don't wait until things are really bad to get support.
Couples therapy can be incredibly helpful for new and expecting parents. So can resources like the Fair Play method or the Gottman Institute's Bringing Baby Home program.
The goal isn't to protect your relationship from parenthood.
It's to build a relationship that can grow alongside it.
5. You will change, too.
This might be the biggest thing no one tells you about becoming a mother.
Motherhood doesn't just change your schedule. It can change you.
The way you see the world. The way you relate to other people. The way you relate to yourself. Your goals and ambitions. What you believe. What you value. Your relationship with time—and with the realization that life is much shorter than you once felt it was.
Some of these changes may surprise you.
You may care about things you never cared about before. You may care less about things that once felt incredibly important. You may discover parts of yourself you didn't know were there.
And you may grieve parts of your old life, even while deeply loving your new one.
I think we sometimes talk about motherhood as though the goal is to somehow become a mother without losing ourselves.
But maybe that's not quite the right goal.
Maybe the goal is to let yourself be changed without assuming that change means you've lost yourself.
You are still you.
You are just becoming someone who has lived this experience.
And if you let yourself be changed by motherhood—rather than constantly trying to get back to who you were before—it can transform you into a deeper, stronger, fuller version of yourself.
That doesn't mean postpartum is easy. It doesn't mean you have to love every part of it.
It just means that somewhere in the middle of the exhaustion, the uncertainty, the identity shifts, and the moments when you think “What happened to my life?”, there is also an opportunity to discover a version of yourself you couldn't have known before.
And maybe that's one of the things worth being told.
If you're struggling during postpartum or early motherhood
You don't have to wait until things feel unbearable to ask for help.
Postpartum can bring anxiety, depression, overwhelm, relationship stress, identity changes, and a sense that you aren't quite yourself anymore. These experiences are common, but that doesn't mean you have to navigate them alone.
As a therapist specializing in perinatal mental health, I work with moms who are struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression, the mental load of motherhood, ADHD in motherhood, burnout, relationship changes, and the transition into parenthood.
If you're finding motherhood harder than you expected, therapy can be a place to sort through what's happening and find practical ways to make everyday life feel more manageable.
