Struggling To Prioritize Your Marriage After Kids? Try The Sunday Meeting
The Weekly Ritual That's Made Our Marriage Strong
Many years ago, I remember my own therapist telling me about a concept often used in couples therapy called a "State of the Union." Coined by relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman, a State of the Union is an intentional weekly check-in with your spouse to discuss anything from the day-to-day systems that run your household to a moment of conflict that arose during the week and needs to be worked through.
After moving in together in the earlier days of our relationship, I asked my husband what he thought about implementing our own State of the Union, which we've since dubbed The Sunday Meeting. Looking back on the building blocks of our relationship, it's clear to me that our Sunday Meetings deserve an immense amount of credit for the health and happiness of our marriage today.
Years ago, we didn't have the mess of logistics to untangle that we do now as parents — but the Sunday Meeting became a practice ground for how to have hard conversations, attune to one another, notice bids for connection, and develop a deeper understanding of each other's internal world.
During our Sunday Meetings, we developed skills for navigating conflict, but we also gave time and care to nurturing intimacy in our marriage. Having a dedicated time to come together was so critical in the newborn trenches, when every nerve feels exposed and we were running on four hours of sleep and a dream. Did the Sunday Meeting save us from conflict and high tension? Of course not. We had — and continue to have — our fair share of miscommunications and frustrations.
Importantly, the goal of the Sunday Meeting isn't actually less conflict. It's navigating conflict in a way that brings you closer together, with a deeper understanding of your partner.
With a young kid, our Sunday Meetings look different than they used to. As with many things related to parenting, we've had to become quite efficient. Much of the logistics we used to talk through, we now comment back and forth on in a shared Google Doc throughout the week. This frees up our time on Sundays to focus more on the emotional health of our relationship. Sometimes our Sunday Meeting is perfectly slotted into the baby's nap, and we're able to get through everything with time to spare. More realistically, we try to prioritize talking about the relational aspects in person, knowing the logistics can be worked out virtually.
Each week, on our running Google Doc, we cover:
The schedule for the upcoming week — including when we'll carve out time for what we call solo time (Saturday mornings are my time to be alone, Sunday afternoons are for my husband), date night, and family outings. (No, we don't have date night once a week. We've found that once a month or so serves us well. The rest of the time, we're together, but with baby, friends, or family.)
Meals for the week — who's cooking, when, and what groceries need to be picked up
Finances — budget, wish list items, big purchases, reviewing shared goals. (Did you know that finances are the number one thing couples fight about?)
Household chores and to-dos — we use the Fair Play Method, very loosely, to help us here, and assign tasks via the Google Tasks feature
In person, we discuss:
Appreciations and where we need support — the Gottmans talk about the importance of naming positive traits you see in your partner out loud and expressing appreciation. Similarly, vocalizing where we're struggling and what support could look like is critical to your partner's ability to show up for you in the way you need. (No, they can't read your mind.)
What went well during the week — when were you able to solve a problem as a team, quickly resolve a conflict, or respond to your partner's bid for connection?
A difficult moment to revisit and work through — inevitably, conflict or sticky moments will arise during the week. Whether it stems from a miscommunication, feeling misunderstood, or feeling taken for granted, every marriage and every week comes with little (or not so little) moments we can learn from. These conversations can be delicate. See below for some ground rules to help set you up for success.
Ground rules:
We make sure we're coming to the conversation calm and regulated. When talking about moments of conflict, it's incredibly easy to become dysregulated quickly. Understanding what that dysregulation looks like for you — becoming immediately defensive, heart racing, faster breathing, fidgeting — is an important job. There's also an opportunity here to practice attunement to your partner: do you notice them getting dysregulated? Without blaming or accusing, it might be time to suggest a timeout and determine a time to come back together once each partner is regulated. Don't just take a timeout without a plan to come back together — that's bound to create a rupture and can be a trigger for those who tend toward anxious attachment. In practice, this can look like: "Hey babe. I'm feeling dysregulated/overwhelmed/defensive. I need to take a timeout so I can come back to this conversation in a good place. Can we take ten minutes and start fresh?"
Each partner needs to feel understood before moving to problem-solving. If I had a penny for every time one partner felt misunderstood or unseen because their partner's instinct was to fix rather than understand... While the desire to fix or problem-solve for your partner comes from a loving, caring place, often the biggest gift we can give is to make an effort to understand first. One way to practice this is to repeat back what your partner has expressed in their own words, and ask them if you've gotten it right. For example: "You felt frustrated when you had to ask me to take out the trash again — especially because that's a conversation we've had before and it feels like I should just remember on my own. It's annoying to feel like you have to manage me in addition to our kids. Is that right?" Once each partner feels understood, you can move on: work through one issue at a time. First, Partner A brings their sticking point to the table. Partner B works to understand. Together, you find a solution for the future. Then move on to Partner B's difficult moment.
Use "I" statements. Share your experience. Don't try to interpret your partner's behavior, accuse, or criticize. The point is to feel understood, so express how you feel. When you notice yourself or your partner making a lot of "you" statements, it's time to take a break and revisit the conversation later.
Transform a criticism into a wish. It's so easy to criticize our partner, especially when we feel frustrated, insecure, or exhausted (hi, parents). But I need you to listen: years ago, the Gottmans did research on the predictors of divorce. They discovered what they call the Four Horsemen — four relational and communication tendencies that show up over and over in couples who divorce or stay in unhappy marriages. One of those Four Horsemen is criticism. When talking about a moment of conflict, it's almost instinctual to criticize: "You always forget to take the trash out." An easy antidote is turning criticisms into wishes. For example: "I want you to remember on your own to take the trash out" instead of "I need you to stop forgetting to take the trash out." It's a subtle difference, but it effectively transforms a criticism into a wish — an expression of your needs.
If you're ready to try the Sunday Meeting, but not sure how to suggest it
Often, when I'm working with a client who's trying a new communication skill or setting a new boundary, I tell them to blame it on me: "My therapist wants me to try communicating when my feelings have been hurt, so..." So, blame the Sunday Meeting experiment on me, and send them this article. I've also attached a downloadable PDF of the Sunday Meeting agenda, free for you to use to guide your own Sunday Meeting. And if you'd like extra guidance or support and live in Texas or Ohio, don't hesitate to reach out to me to get started with couples therapy.
