So Your Relationship Sucks After Having a Baby? Let’s Talk About Why

Yikes. What a title. But the thing is, a lot of my clients experience increased conflict and a lack of connection in their marriage after having a baby, and research shows they aren't alone. The vast majority of parents (up to 67% in some studies) experience an intense decline in marital satisfaction after having a baby.

Sharing responsibility, sleep deprivation, financial stress, and finding time to take care of yourself, let alone connect with your partner, put your relationship in a pressure cooker.

Research also shows that moms tend to "gatekeep" taking care of the baby — meaning they correct and limit their partner's parenting due to anxiety around what it takes to raise and nurture their infant well. This instinct is caused by a lot of factors, like hormones, trust in their partner prior to having a baby, and distribution of the mental load, to name a few. And it's understandable. Trying to keep an infant alive is…stressful. However, gatekeeping is a strong predictor of marital dissatisfaction and is a self-reinforcing cycle that isolates each partner from the other.

Then, there's sex. If you're breastfeeding, it's not uncommon to be completely averse to sex or any physical intimacy until you've weaned. And even though studies show that just over half of women resume sex in early postpartum, activity is different than desire. Hormones can take up to six months to regulate after birth, and that's excluding breastfeeding moms. Additionally, while medical sources say the postpartum period ends after six months, there's a lot of anecdotal evidence that it takes many women much longer to feel "normal" after having a baby. It might be useful to reconsider the medical definition of how long postpartum lasts.

Having a baby reveals a lot about the distribution of visible and invisible labor — the mental load — in relationships. Often, moms feel a rise in resentment toward their partner over perceived inequality in childrearing and household responsibilities. If mom feels as though she's carrying the majority of the mental load, and has to instruct her partner on how to show up for the family at home, her capacity and willingness to nurture intimacy in the partnership is likely to decline.

There's already an uphill battle hormonally. Mom's oxytocin, the hormone responsible for bonding, is redirected toward the baby and often away from the partner, which can be, at best, difficult for dad to understand and contextualize appropriately.

So, what to do?

One option is, of course, couples therapy. Postpartum Support International's directory is a wonderful resource. Simply type "couples therapy" into the search bar, along with your zip code, to find a list of providers in your area who specialize in couples work in the postpartum period. And, of course, if you're located in Texas or Ohio, don't hesitate to reach out to me.

Another wonderful resource is the Gottmans' workshop "Bringing Baby Home." The Gottmans have been researching couples for decades and are known for being able to predict, within a very short window of observation, whether a couple will stay together or divorce. The workshop has been clinically studied and shows strong results in increasing marital satisfaction after having a baby. And the babies of these couples even seemed happier!

Bringing Baby Home is based on the Gottmans' theory of the Sound Relationship House, which focuses on three key domains of a happy marriage: friendship and intimacy, constructive conflict, and shared meaning.

Another option is the Fair Play method, which helps make invisible labor visible and redistribute the mental load equitably. There are critiques that this method can further separate partners by inviting comparison and valuation of each person's contribution, so tread carefully. Some couples find it incredibly helpful.

If your relationship is suffering after having a baby, it can feel isolating and carry with it a lot of shame. Know that you are not alone, that this is a common experience, and that it doesn't have to stay this way.